Yesterday afternoon it was determined that, with the correct shift key applied, the missing pages of the Book of Peter were written as a mirror image in Gaelic, translated from an unknown source language by drunken Irish monks in the sixth century. When his petition for elevation to Godhead in a Holy Quaternity was denied, Peter conspired with Satan to overthrow God and unify Heaven and Hell in a divine and demonic Dual Monarchy, with the Devil to be restored as Lucifer the Shining One. They communicated with written messages folded as paper airplanes and flown over the Gates of Hell. The plot was thwarted when one was snatched in midair by a Cherub and brought to God. Peter, stripped of all titles and now to be called Peter the Fallen, was banished into the exiled outlaw king’s hat to serve forever as Lady Fortissimo‘s perpetual motion gentleman caller. A Sisyphean or Promethean fate, perhaps even worse, unless of course it is not. God, in His judgment, absurd can be. Tithe. Say hallelujah! Can I get a witness? Praise Jesus! Can I get an amen?